Getting the COVID-19 vaccine feels like a huge sigh of relief for many people. But for Lily Hagigat, the long-awaited moment was overshadowed by an overwhelming sense of guilt.
“After the second dose, the guilt really hit me,” the 26-year-old nurse from Ohio tells Health. “I thought of all the people we saw die in the hospital, who could have lived another five or ten years if this hadn’t happened, and the many people who needed the vaccine more than I did, who were at higher risk, but who died. a month before his time came. ”
This kind of guilt is not the usual kind you may feel when you feel remorse for something you did, such as forgetting your best friend’s birthday. It is the survivor’s fault, a negative feeling that can arise after experiencing something traumatic, such as, for example, a pandemic that occurs once in a century and that has killed more than 2.5 million people worldwide, according to Johns Hopkins Coronavirus Resource Center.
“The survivor’s fault is this emotional distress that can happen when we go through something difficult or traumatic, and we survive it, and maybe even leave that event unharmed,” Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist who works with the organization nonprofit Hope for Depression Research Foundation, says Health. “As this pandemic persists, along with all the things that go with it, I see survivor guilt as a response to trauma.”
Not only does the COVID survivor’s guilt affect healthcare workers, who have had to watch countless patients die alone, deal with colleagues who fell ill, and make difficult decisions about who receives limited healthcare resources, it is also “complicating the road to recovery.” for people who have had the disease, according to a comment by NEJM Catalyst Innovations in Care Delivery.
Anna-Kate Howell is one of those people. The 29-year-old theology student from North Carolina nearly died of COVID-19 in May 2020. Since then, she has been managing ongoing physical and neurological symptoms. But it is the emotional impact of COVID-19, guilt, in particular, that has been one of the most challenging parts of recovering from it.
“I’m not always glad I survived. I would say that a not insubstantial percentage of the time, I wish I had died of guilt … and what I feel most guilty about is not being properly grateful for the gift of life,” she said. tells health. “When I look at the figures on how many million people have died, I think ‘Why them and not me?'”
What exactly is COVID survivor’s guilt?
How can you cope with the COVID survivor’s guilt?
The COVID survivor’s guilt can take a toll on you, so it’s important to find ways to cope. Experts say that talking about what’s going on with people you trust can be the first step to finding peace.
“Take this as an opportunity to connect with people who are in your life when you feel isolated, alone and have that feeling of guilt,” suggests Lira de la Rosa. “We are social people, and increasing our connections with others in a safe way, even if it is virtual, can help.”
A therapist or other mental health professional can also be an invaluable source of support, offering a safe and judgment-free space to share your experience and find ways to manage your emotions. “Especially if you notice that guilt is affecting your ability to be successful at work, or if your relationships are suffering because of it, or if you notice that you cannot move on, those are signs that it is time to get additional support for this. , “says Dr. Cook.
Cultivating self-compassion can also alleviate guilt. That often starts with an awareness of how you feel, then accept that it is part of your experience as a human. “It’s crucial that we be kind to ourselves, and take a step back and realize that blaming ourselves is only exacerbating our stress,” explains Dr. Cook.
Meditation, breathing, and journaling can be helpful tools to overcome survivor guilt and stimulate self-esteem. Additionally, these mindfulness activities can provide a much-needed break from the constant barrage of bad news that can otherwise make her guilt worse.
Finding ways to give back can also be an especially therapeutic way to heal the guilt of the COVID survivor, according to experts and people living with the condition. For Hagigat, that meant making a donation to a charity. She chose UNICEF because it has a program that distributes vaccines to developing countries, which felt significant as she was dealing with the guilt of receiving her COVID-19 vaccine.
However, money is not the only way to contribute to the common good. Howell, a self-described introvert, says she continues to share the impact of COVID-19 on social media and in the news in hopes that it will make a difference in the lives of others. “I feel like I owe it to the many millions of people who weren’t as lucky as I was to keep reliving this over and over again, even though it’s out of my comfort zone,” she explains.
Overcoming survivor guilt related to COVID-19 or any other type of trauma can take time, and Howell admits that she still “gets desperate quite often.” When things feel really dark, she finds it helpful to reread the advice she received from a friend three years ago after psychiatric hospitalization.
“She told me that sometimes you can’t feel hope, and when you can’t feel hope, you have to think hope,” says Howell. “That’s what helped me through that, and that’s what helped me through this as well.”
Information in this story is accurate as of press time. However, as the situation surrounding COVID-19 continues to evolve, some data may have changed since its publication. While Health is trying to keep our stories as up-to-date as possible, we also encourage readers to stay informed on news and recommendations for their own communities by using the CDC, WHO, and your local public health department as resources.
